Single And Loving It?: Grow Some Balls Or Join…The Friend Zone!

By Single Black Female

I don’t think men and women will ever understand each other. I know men who say they wait for a sign from a woman to make the first move, out of respect. That’s fine, but what then is a woman to do when she’s giving you miles of green lights and you’re still stuck in park? This is why I believe the good/bad guy debate is skewed. Aside from the dudes who are simply jerks, the only difference between these two are a couple of very important personality traits: confidence and aggression. Women like to be chased and feel wanted. Some of us will make the first move or toss around little hints, but if our advances go ignored, you may miss out on the hottie of your dreams.

Some guys are labeled the “good guy” and banished to the friend zone for all eternity. Poor things. I wish I could find sympathy for you, but all I feel is irritated. See those spherical objects in your pants? They’re called balls, how about using them to get the woman you want?  I’m not saying go into a situation leading with your peener like Anthony Weiner but you should learn the fine art of “cat and mouse.”

If you want to stay out of the friend zone, you have to create a spark. Unfortunately, for some men, the hard part is identifying that spark and knowing when to strike the match and create a flame. I can’t speak for all women, but I know a kiss sparks my romantic blaze. It may sound like silver screen fantasy but I can tell by a kiss if there is anything deeper than just friendship with a man. One woman I know says she needs a “thug in a suit.” Do we want a man to physically, mentally, emotionally abuse us? Of course not! But we do want a man we feel safe with.

Ladies, you know that tingle we get when the man we’ve had our eye on says or does the right thing and the right time; it travels from our chests to (down below). Fellas, THAT’S how you stay away from the friend zone; make us want you. The only way this is going to work is if you are confident and aggressive enough to go for what you desire. I’m not saying change who you are but alter the way you operate.

I have a friend whom I’ve known for a few years now. We can talk about any and everything. He is sweet, funny, creative, intelligent and shy beyond belief. Now, shy is attractive to me, but where does it end? We don’t get to see each other much because he lives hundreds of miles away, so I would think when we are together there would be some affection. Whenever he comes to NYC we try to hang out.

At first I thought I wasn’t his type because he didn’t give off any vibes, even when our late night chats turned into phone sex in the wee hours of the morning, I always felt something missing; like he was afraid to make the next move. A year passed and we had no communication, and when we connected again it was as if there was no time lapse. On the phone, he talks incessantly, in person the cat holds his tongue hostage. He constantly rebukes the “friend zone” (he definitely doesn’t want to be there) and the fact I consider him a nice guy, so I put him to the test. He talked a good phone game now let’s see what he does when I give him the green light.

The last time he was in New York we met for lunch. I greeted him with a firm, close hug; he responded like he was scared to break me or something.  I flirted with him throughout our meal, he laughed it off. Brushed up against him as we stood in the ice cream shop; he never glanced my way. So now I turn the heat all the way up. My hints weren’t working so I just put it out there. When we arrived at my car I was about to lean in for the kiss I’ve been waiting for to determine what it is we had going on when “beep beep” someone was waiting to snag my spot. I couldn’t rush the first kiss so I smiled as I looked up at him and said “you’re lucky, I was about to steal a kiss.”

We rode to the airport in silence. No conversation, no hand holding, no touch, nada. I figured when we reached our destination he’d grab me in his arms and plant a big old juicy one on me. Hell, if I were a man that’s what I’d do, give her something to miss and think about until she sees me again. Nope, I got the sister hug and “I’ll call you when I land.”

At that moment I gave up. I figured maybe he sees ME as just an attractive friend. Maybe he wants to only be in the friend zone but doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Until he called me later that day to shower me with compliments and say, get this, “Why didn’t you kiss me?” Say what now? I gave him the ok, told him what I wanted and I still had to execute? See a “bad boy” would have pushed me up against the car and laid a deep juicy one on me so good I’d have been following the plane on foot!

We’ve discussed the incident and although he assures me he’s interested I’m not convinced. It’s been a few years since we’ve met and all we’ve done is talk. Respect is admirable, taking our time is smart but come on now, dude is destined for an eternity with the rest of my friends. And just like all the other unsure, timid men, the woman who you envision late nights and early mornings with will get scooped up by one who knows  GREEN MEANS GO!

Until next time, I’m still…

Sincerely yours,

SBF